i know this may come off as paranoid due to my traumas but i have a feeling someone is constantly coming to troll me in my servers...

i had 1 server for balkan people on spacehey and i'm co-owning a server for philosophy with a friend, the trolling started in the balkan spacehey server, 2 attempts in a gap of 2 months i think and after a month that happened i left, and after a month a member from that server told me some bot or troll user spammed the shit out of the server and the mod had to shut down all the channels

also in the philosophy server, there weren't intense trolls like in the balkan spacehey one, but 1 user tried to do smth with blocking everyone and had a stock picture you first find on google search and idk that was all confusing and happened a month ago

in the balkan server one guy sent voice messages where he sings some "romantic" song trying to rizz me up, and i immediatelly ban him

oh oh *god* forbid a man is acting even remotely feminine, ohhh god forbid man crying and being gentle

being feminine does not equal crying and being kind and gentle towards others, that's called being human instead

oh wait, scottish men can wear skirts just cause it's nationality wise and cannot wear it casually? a man cannot wear a skirt unless they from scotland?

so many fallacies in sexism, so little understanding a human needs

i cannot consider it a mindset, because what mindset really is is different lifestyle, a mindset is being goth for example, and another example a mindset is being a gardener or voulenteer for pet rescue

this is just straight up fallacies, you cannot have a different mindset if you're thinking inhumanely

you cannot be authentic to your own human nature nowadays

i don't want to be considered as an exotic plant or animal i wish to be seen and understood just like any human does

and for the difference of society, i'm using my common sense in my fullest, while the whole society is based on some made up inhumane standards that are fallacies according to common sense that we all have

in serbia 2 same sex marriages are illegal, but trust me we do have many other ridiculous laws and some laws that are made from common sense logic are not even followed

the people on higher positions and with more power have disobeyed such laws so many times without any guilt or blink of an eye

and most of the society just turns they head away, and then most of the society, like a basic sheep they are, listen to the politicians and think wars are okay

they normalize genocides, they think people who killed (not only killed but TORTURED AND R*PED) thousands of people are heroes

okay i'm getting off topic but what i wanted to say is the same people who are homophobic and sexist are allowing wars and genocides to happen FOR THE SAME REASON

i wish i never existed atp

yet i exist so i have to deal with stupid motherfuckers who think they own the world just because they have 11 zeros in their safe undergound million dollars base

and another herd of stupid motherfuckers who think a person having 11 zeros is a good dude and living a fantastic life, so they get influenced haaaard and become the vile human beings and allow nukes

and also i have to deal with ignorant motherfuckers who thinking focusing on wars and bad system of capitalism is useless overthinking and just spiraling, while THEY are the ones who turn the blind eye to the violence of it all

"oh i'd just go to protest just for recycling and nature enviroment"

then why the fuck do you buy from temu? do you think temu does not harm the enviroment? do you think the serbian protests aren't trying to change the government for the better enviroment? do you think capitalism even remotely cares about the nature?

ik this is targeted but i'm saying this as an example of a person thinking one specific thing being fixed will fix everything in its wake

while we as humans are divided and ignorant and THAT is why we cannot fix anything because from division comes a smaller number, right?

when you divide 4 people with 2 you get 2

4 ÷ 2 = 2

SIMPLE FUCKING MATH

i also hate people who go on protest just for THEIR ideology to win, i've heard a neo-nazi saying "oh i'm just here to overthrown vučić and make serbs the only nation"

SHUT THE HELLLLLL UP, that's the same what vučić was doing like.... come fucking on!

and yes i may have taken a drastic example for this but there are also ones who are just focusing on autonomic areas, or just focusing on the enviroment, or just focusing on the educational system

i know we have a lotta problems, but can you just not focus on humanity first? can you just not focus on the universal human values? universal human rights? that way we can literally prioritize what to fix next, and to not stay fucking ignorant

i'm gonna start new tag (or entry series) with sharing my own thoughts on here because i realized i don't give a fuck if i have yet to transfer all my thoughts from my physical journal and chatgpt, i can just do it

so enjoy or whatever.

i feel so jealous of other people solving mazes and logic puzzles, because i always give up after how many times i tried until i gave up and searched up for the answer

ugh man i feel so stupid

i guess this just proves my point that i'm neurodivergent

how can my brain solve easily questions of deeper level but not recognize what's stopping me from solving a simple problem like this?

i don't get how didn't i realize it's a design's problem?

is it because i wanted to get it right? maybe to prove something to myself? was i focused on winning within the system and not questioning it?

is this a reason why i wrestle with the system of the world? i mean i do question it often but in cry for solution

how do i actually find the solution? it must be simple just as it was in the maze

honestly i have a love hate relationship with logic and puzzles like these, when i solve them i feel superior, i feel like i solved world's first problem, but when i don't i just see no way out and i give up, and i HATE giving up, but i don't know if giving up to seek answers is better than not giving up and try to find answers on my own... it's like humility vs pride, and while i want to be humble and to humble myself, i still never want to give up

i also feel so relieved yet again stupid when i find out the answer wasn't that difficult, and before that i know that it isn't, i always believe in simple answers, but i hate when they are right in front of my nose and i'm just blind, because i love to be awake in the world and aware, yet i also don't know if that's too prideful

maybe i have problems with control.... because i want to change the world so bad and i cannot find the solution for it because it's right in front of my eyes, maybe it's to work on my controlling behavior

maybe i don't need to give up on fixing the world, i can just start on trying to do what i'm currently capable of, and that is to heal myself

though there's also fear of failing others... i mean i am not afraid to leave people that do not help me in the relationship with me, and that only wish to keep me for themselves... because they themselves need to understand that letting go is loving, as much as it sounded corny

i'm just afraid of betraying myself, through betraying others, but i know i never betrayed ones that i had to abandon to preserve myself

it's just that i need to go through it so i could write an essay about it, i need to feel it on my skin in order to come to a realization, this is just memorizing the theory, just knowing what's ahead of you, blurry but at least knowing, but feeling it on your skin is clarity, it is when you write that answer on the paper, not because you memorized it, but because you had intuition that answer was the only right one and you simply know it by feeling

it's just about the knowledge of pain that knife can inflict and that it is dangerous, so some avoid it at all costs, but when it actually inflicts pain, you don't know it anymore, you don't wish it upon anyone but still want to get more stabbing by that knife in order to be sure how to teach others about it, and it's painful, it's even more painful when others don't understand you how dangerous it is, but you cannot make them understand because they need to endure it first hand, but your moral also screams at you to not let them do it

it's because i know that i am going to endure that stabbing again, but yet again i don't know how much it will hurt, yet i still want to experience it because it is inevitable, because pain in learning lessons is inevitable

and yes there is a dilemma between responsibility and knowledge... i may have written an essay that is titled "i wish to see the knowledge" but now i wish to write an essay titled "i wish to see enduring", but i know that i will need that knife many times in order to write that essay just like i wrote "i wish to see the knowledge", but i also know it is blurry how much it will hurt, how much it will cost, what must i sacrifice to write this essay

but again i know that i don't know, so i must surrender (but not give up) and ask: is trying to know about future lessons an obsession? is claiming "to know the knife will stab again" pride? because humility is to know that you don't know everything

i don't know why but writing has always been easier when fueled by knowledge of one's history, experience that is endured, i never could memorize anything, for example i never could write good essays about kafka's metamorphosis, or any book that i have (not) read

it may be because i have not read it, or because i have forgotten the storyline, or because i simply was not interested, but even if i tried, i'm now giving example for history because it was one of my favourite classes, for example if i tried to write an essay about history of feminism, i would write a solid essay, but it wouldn't be as good or satisfying as "i wish to see the knowledge" was...