Blog with Milica

okay so i think i transferred almost all posts from spacehey to dreamwidth (some where useless to transfer and some... well they were deleted), and the only posts that are left to transfer are poem posts... but rn i'm having a dilemma over whether to categorize them as spacehey memory or to post them as poem tag... i'll see tomorrow when i'm more smarter

also ik i'll pull another allnighter now because of my unhealthy lifestyle... and i will go to work with my mom again 💪 atp i had 5 days of cleaning the cafe and tending/watering the flowers in the house and backyard and the garden, i feel so productive because of that and honestly i'm realizing more and more that i don't need money to do the job, i just need to love the fact that i'm helping out and that the job is adaptable to me, this really improved my mood i'm ngl... except for the fact when i have to go to the mall i hate going there, literal hell on earth i swear..

also when my grandma comes home (which is tomorrow after tomorrow) i will need a week to regenerate my pain (sleep schedule) from the hellhole aka my parent's apartment, and then start to go with her at her work (i hope this actually works out 🙏🙏🙏) and then i will make transparents!! also i plan to come to my parent's apartment as a teacher for my brother since his classes ended and he has to prepare for the finals, i'd be glad to help him, and i'll also use that time for making transparents that i could bring with me when i go to niš to protest

this is so nice wth i love this period!!!! i hope it stays like this tho 😭 i'm so weirdly positive when i'm on my menstrual cycle...

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also i know that i have a calendar for my entries on here but i put the 2023, 2024 and 2025 with months tags on every entry from now on because it's easier to track the spacehey memory posts and dreamwidth posts as well

btw now my battery is on 9% and it's almost 4 am so idk what to do ig i'll need to sit on this chair until my phone charges (which will be 5 am 😭🚬💀)

i also don't know what to do so i guess i'll play solitaire... after that idk... 🥀

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just came from work and i think i'm half-way there to perfect the art of mopping and i love it

idk why people hate on janitors so much or on public cleaners

i told my another ex friend my mom is a public cleaner in the school and she told me she would kill herself if her mom worked as that

that thought came into my head while i was mopping and i said to myself "that's why ur my ex friend now"

i mean in that moment i heard her comment i just stopped and just brushed it aside and continued with the conversation, and i never reflected back on it because she never told me smth like that anymore again

but now ig she would tell me "well i was joking" as a defense but having a job is no matter to joke about... especially suicide

it's both insensitive and immature from her side tbh

honestly i want them to think we're still good, but i also want them to not know my true opinion about them, because that would complicate things

i also have a feeling her mom works as a cashier in a local market, i mean i'm not saying this to clap her back, but just saying how it is also hypocritic to say that while your mom is working the job that is also disrespected by majority, while it shouldn't be

i mean i'm also not sure if that is true, that her mom works as a cashier, but i saw that woman few times while i was buying groceries with my mom, and she looked sooo similar to my ex-friend, her speech as well...

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my dad has forgot his phone when he went to job and my mom looked thru it and assumed he was sexsting with some random woman... when he came to get it she accused him of lying and the old story continues on... THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING ANNOYING I HATE THEIR CHILDISH BEHAVIOR

so i ran away from home because i cannot handle them no more and i unlocked the grandma's home, fed the cat, cleaned the bowls and made the bed, now i'm listening to spotify on the tv, and i'm just trying to chill trying to forget about their insolent behavior... also tomorrow i ain't gonna go to the mom's job

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okay my dad called and i told him i was going to put the dirty clothes in the washing machine and i genuinely didn't know how to start the machine and i asked him and thank God he explained it, and for the first time i started a washing machine and now it's cleaning... and after that i went to clean the dishes (there weren't that much dishes tbh...) and i also cleaned the bath tub, and now idk what to do, it's 9 pm and i am waiting for the machine to finish (i don't even know what to do when it finishes 😭🚬)

also a cat sneaked in and rummaged thru the trash can and left the trash all over the kitchen... i chased it away and had to collect it and throw the plastic bag in the container, i closed the door, also i called my mom and my grandma to let them know what's going on and called my brother and he's coming over now w his friends and im so nervous cause i'm- okay they came. fuck my life 🥀💀

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my grandma called me and saved me from having to be in the same room where my brother's friends are, when i finished the call i sat outside, waiting for them to leave, and thankfully they left quickly, now i'm alone in the whole house and i feel so calm and free, i'm currently lying in my bed, after i update this post i will drink some water, oh and also after that i'll have to decide what to do with the poems... i'd have to transfer them as well.

yknow at least i don't have to be in the bad energy shithole that is my parent's apartment, and having to hear my mom arguing with my dad, like the babies they are, also idk why but my dad hasn't called me yet, i wonder why tbh

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the washing machine finished and i hang the clothes on the wire to dry... my mom called me and explained the sign when machine is done cleaning, i also gave some food my brother brought to cat and she ate it i guess... now i'm gonna see what to do with the poems

i probably won't post the poems on here because i already have the app where i have written down all the poems, so yeah... all i need to do is check if i transffered all the poems from spacehey to that app, and after that i'll make the navigation in the sticky post

I'm at work with my mom, we woke up at like half to 5 am to finish the cleaning of the cafe til 6 am, and like we're first doing the brush floor cleaning and cleaning tables both outside, inside and in the basement, then we are doing the water floor cleaning inside and in the basement

this is the second time I'm going at her work and the first time was last Saturday morning, I actually was supposed to help her yesterday morning too but she forgot to wake me up (or didn't wanna) and so yeah... I'm already loving this job unironically and I wanna do it for real money and I tried to talk with my mom about it and she hesitated idk why... even tho I did everything right the last time I was here and today...

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okay I came back home, off topic but if my typing quirk seems weird since I always write all caps low it's because I turned on the autocorrect because I saw r/autocorrect on reddit and it seemed fun to type what autocorrect says or to draw smth and see what turned out from the drawing on the keyboard

anyways.... to continue the story, I'm helping out my mom because she already has 2 jobs (working as a hygiene worker in my ex hs and working privately as a helper for some old grandma), but this one was my grandma's job and since she's away on vacation someone has to do the work instead of her since it's a private job, not the state's work like a hygienic worker at some school is, otherwise if my mom had this job as hers as well she probably wouldn't let me help her out since this is for a short time period, and my grandma already doesn't want help from me since yeah, she goes there from Monday to Saturday every week without stopping

but when my grandma comes back I need to urge her to let me go with her as well since I want to do something in my life, despite my pure passionate hatred for capitalism I am feeling quite bored since noone wants to encourage me to go on protests... (but while I'm helping out my grandma there I'll definitely find a way to go to protests somehow)

so yeah... I mean I like the job and helping others out, I just don't like capitalism like that's just bullshit, i don't even need to explain why, but I will if you are not willing to listen to me like some people that silenced me about it !!

anyways yea... I just came home and I gotta eat my breakfast, see ya later if I have to update you on my day again

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okay I finished and after I write this one more thing before I go to take a nap I gotta change this awful autocorrect 😭💔 so anyways... I wanted to say one more thing, yesterday I started bleeding in my vagina (this is absolutely not a tmi thing shut yo stupid mouth it's normal and it shouldn't be a taboo topic) and I installed finally a period tracker app, but I started with flo and then I saw the allegations it got and how it pushed rather heterosexual relationships than lesbian or transexual relationships etc... and I said fuck you flo I ain't fucking with personal info thiefs and sellers and homophobic people, and installed a serbian app that doesn't has advanced functions that flo has but at least u don't have to pay for them, it's called мој календар and it's sooooo so good guys, it doesn't have that many ads like some period trackers do and it's more cuter in its design it doesn't look corporative like flo does, and I can express myself there freely

I also noticed I had tracked my period there in 2017 !!!!! I guess that was the first time my vagina bled so yeah!!! what a cool discovery, and I even found a time capsule of how I felt then (not so great 💔😭 ofc), so that's another cool thing about it tbh because it restores your data once you log in a Google account, okay I gotta go guys see ya later if I have to update smth more or see ya tomorrow or some other day

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i woke up and went w my dad to my grandma's place since he had to cut the grass and i showered despite being on period and i suprised myself with how much i spent the hot water and didn't let the boiler heat it 2 days, so i turned it on and i will turn it off when we get back there this evening

i also tried to feed the cat but turns out she was just looking for company.... lmao... also now that i'm in my apartment i decided to screw the philosophical thinking for today because i'm just tired of thinking and decided to make a bullet journal typa shii that's called "self encyclopedia" and just now i'm re-writing some questions, i already wrote for music, movies, television, books and hobbies and since my hand hurt from writing i decided to just take a break and update this blog entry... after that i have to rewrite questions about niche interests/rabbit holes and then start answering the questions

the way i plan answering the questions is just: if i can asnwer it, i do it today and i document the date of the answer and i cross the question and if i think of another question i write it down for the next day, if i cannot answer, i leave the question for the next day or just ignore it if it seems useless to answer, so the questions that chatgpt suggested me are basically the base questions i can start with, then i can go on my own flow... i will write this down in the self encyclopedia

also what i plan to do later is make a section for introspective questions about my psychology and philisophy... and that will be the most complex and most fun thing to do tbh

i will need to plan the outline for the future, like small posts on each page as answers to questions

okay imma go back to writing now, see ya!!

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another thing before i go: i noticed how i'm more positive when my period starts because i'm more tired and it affects my mood like as if i'm sedated or something... neurodivergent people be complete opposite of the neurotypical people... the same thing is with coffee like... i be feeling worse when i drink it, either sleepy or anxious/hyperaware and i start shaking

anyways to get back to my period... yeah at 8th june i literally crashed out, i wanted to bang my head on the wall but instead i did it on the couch and i broke a pencil and i threw some markers that don't work out of the window down in the park... at 7th june i think i made a transparent out of desperation to calm down, i colored 2 A4 size pages with markers... and then 9th june came and i felt just different.. more exhausted but more calm as well... it's not that i'm noticing this just now, i think i noticed it before too but now i'm just like idk acknowledging it

no fucking way guys i just discovered a black metal band of 1 member from bosnia called obskuritatem, i did not try their songs out nor ever will but i just think it's very cool to mention tbh, here u can find more ab them



also ohhh fucking motherfucking summer just started and i fucking hate it, i swear june just started and it's already fucking 31 celsius..... and now i'm arguing with some person that could be almost my mother who said "i lOvE sUmMeR!!1!! uR gOd hAs cReAtEd iT sO u HaVe nO RiGhT tO hAtE oN iT" like stfu i sent you 4 fucking paragraphs about how summer is the fucking worst season especially during global warming FUCK YOUR OPINION, if you wanna find out what i wrote about it you can click here

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UPDATE

i've sent her 4 fucking paragraphs ab ehy summer is the worst season and she said mosquitoes, hot temperature, uv rays and global warming ain't valid for her, like stfu bitch

and she said i was clueless about her place and saying her place is frying as well but she doesn't mind, she also mentioned how she loves animals for some fucking reason

she told me summer is god's creation and mosquitoes are god's creation so i don't have right to hate it

because of people like her summer is normalized, this summer is abnormal, and i'm here made clueless and crazy for hating summer

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so yeah, i also had some thoughts about euphoria and adrenaline i experienced on protests yesterday but currently i'm not too hyped up to talk about it 💔

 i'm blown outta my mind when i realized girls have to shave both their pubic hair EVERYWHERE where it is grown, legs, ARMS????? and armpits

some even shave their "beards" and "moustaches" YOU DON'T HAVE THAT 💔😭

i mean i do know that some women have diff amount of testosterone in their bodies, but i don't understand the girls that don't even have a visible beard and moustaches and they STILL shave them... like what the fuck

also also also, if we are already going down through that path, why don't you shave your eyebrows? why don't you shave your eyelashes? why don't you shave your nose hair? your fricking head?

honestly when i think about it i've already saw girls shaving their eyebrows to draw them... but they're often labeled as alternative just because they shave eyebrows, also picking hair from nose is normal apparently... i also saw some guys on tiktok shaving their EYELASHES to look more masculine and alpha... also bald guys are normalized ONLY if they are 30 to 40 years old... crazy...

what if there came a person... not identifying as a man or a woman, just a person that is young and has shaved head, shaved eyelashes and eyebrows but visible hair in their nose, shaved moustache but visible beard, shaved pubic hair but visible armpit hair, shaved legs but visible arm hair

it's punk cuz people would immediately reject this person but the person would be full with attention, it's very powerful and raw and it takes guts to do this, if you identify as genderfluid or non-binary of course

i want this kind of person to exist and just to blow up on social media, not that i mean for them to be cyberbullied but for them to be relevant even if their reputation is low for no goddamn reason, because the person doesn't have any dirty baggage, isn't insecure or unnecessarily evil, doesn't want cloud but wants to show the truth

i think they would have biggest support from the people who feel stuck or unseen, they'd have both haters and supporters, it would be 50:50 and very controversial, but the person wouldn't mind because they know what they are doing and they aren't afraid because they haven't done anything wrong

also as i would LOVE to be this person, here's what's stppping me:

- i don't identify myself as genderfluid or non-binary, i'm cis-woman
- i literally don't care what others will think of me to the point i don't want to be in a spotlight, because it would be an unnecessary nuisance
- i also don't wanna be popular in social media... even if i have youtube account or many online friends and my blog and websites, i don't wanna be in a spotlight because it's too much to bear
- i also don't know how would i act as that person? i don't know because it's not my cup of tea, really, but what i do know is that i wanna be friends with them

honestly i think i changed my mind about that person existing, because it's unethical to wish for someone to go through that hell and expect them to be fine with it

well we do have alternative community and lgbtq+ community that defy the societal standards, though if one of them went this far? it would be hard for them because they're the only ones who wished to ascend beyound their community, and to wish for others to do that is unethical

when i asked "what if such person would exist?" i thought about them existing and asked myself "why wouldn't i be that person?" and then i rejected that idea because i am too afraid and that's the deeper truth to why i rejected being that person

so in order to solve the question i need to write about it... about the person, to flesh them out, to write about how they deal with the public, with the haters, with the fans, how they present themselves, the way they talk, walk or how they sound, how others precieve them and how much contraversies are around them even if they are following aristotle's ethics inherited in their own philosophy, how they think, the way they choose what thoughts to express and whether to express them with the public or the close friends, their secrets about their true emotions behind the façade they present, their true behavior with their friends and fans and when they are alone in bed and vulnerable

but then i'm again hestiating to do it because:

1. i don't think i'm good enough writer to make such person alive and fleshed out in a raw image because i've just began writing mere essays and manifestos and i'm mostly journaling about my feelings...
2. would it be unethical to even create something like this? or am i afraid to give a piece of myself into a work and torture it?

just as soon as i woke up i was greeted with... my mom saying my friend i isolated from reached out to her and asked about me.... and my mom got annoyed because i isolated... like leave me the hell alone.... i knew returning to my parent's apartment wasn't a good idea... but what else could i do since my grandma's place doesn't have water... i don't want to spend too much water we have left, because i know it wouldn't be left enough for her.... also rn i'm so fucking distracted because of my fucking arrogant brother playing loud mainstream music, fuck him

i will have to stay in this shithole until saturday... even then idk what will the water pipe repairers do... i hope they will fix the problem that day

anyways... today i have to remove another 100 friends from my spacehey.... yesterday i couldn't because it was my first day at this shithole here and yea... i got too distracted, but today i will, i just need to eat noodles and start with my day

i also plan on starting transfering the pinterest boards, so i'll update this post with a list of them, right after i make noodles

EDIT: okay fuck my parents atp i don't wanna hear from them anymore after the water pipe is fixed i'll isolate from them as well and stay at my grandma's house because I AM NOT LEAVING, they didn't let me to walk to her house...... THEY DIDN'T LET ME!!! A 20 YEAR OLD!!! TO WALK ALONE???? and then told me "don't piss me off and enter the car" with a chuckle... a goddamn chuckle, fucking assholes fucking piece of shits, i fucking hate them so fucking much

anyways.... here's the list:
- heavenly cursive
- soft girl
- philosopher
- cybercore
- webcore
- vaporwave
- gothcore
- frutiger metro

EDIT_2: i just deleted another 100 friends on spacehey and i posted a poem... this is a poem i posted:

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I want to feel something in my lungs
It doesn't have to be complicated
So come to me, come to me, come to me
I ran away, ran away, ran away
It doesn't have to be far too gone
I just want to be left alone
Why do you feel far away?
When I am too aware of my ruins
So come to me, come to me, come to me
I ran away, ran away, ran away
And why do they surround me?
All of the voices... that are not my own
I just want to be left alone
So come to me, come to me, come to me
I ran away, ran away, ran away
You always speak how I should sleep
But what if I am too awake?
Don't you stand and stare
So bear with me, bear with me, bear with me
I don't sleep, I don't sleep, don't sleep
Far away where I should be
Far away from the voices
Where are you, where are you, where are you
Show the way... and kill me now
Kill what was left of ruins

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so YEEEAAAAH... i don't give a fuck if this is too whisperish or too mellow i don't fucking care....... these are my feelings and this is how i present them

i ate a bit of strawberries but then i stopped (even though they were sugarcoated) i find them repelling, i don't want to eat rotten strawberries from stores they're fucking disgusting and i abhor them. and i cannot convince my mom to STOP buying them because one day i'll fucking throw up

EDIT_3: also forgot to mention how, since i moved in, i started to heavily BLOAT from everything i eat my mother prepares, i just ate simple fried eggs w salami and i bloated i couldn't eat any more of that shit, also yesterday i ate olive salad my mom made and i BLOATED and this dinner just reminded me to write this because of how horrible her food is.......

and just now i asked her about it and said AFTER EVERY MEAL and she said "maybe you drink too much water..." LIKE DID I MENTIONED WATER EVER? ALSO I LITERALLY DRINK MUCH LESS WATER THAN I SHOULD IN A DAY....... so i'm pretty much half-dehydrated all the time.

this is my first entry here i'm actually so excited aaaaaaaaaaa

it's really hard and ugly to type from a phone since i don't have a pc and my laptop is broken and i'm unemployed and broke and my biggest opponent is capitalism.....

also i migrated from spacehey and am currently mass-deleting all 1010 friends on there i've added since 2023.... yea...

to keep the story short, my irl friends i got isolated from because i cannot deal w their bullshit found out about my spacehey blog and my essays where i shat on capitalism and they got triggered and went to my address 2 times.... also i'm trying to isolate from another user as well i met irl and he literally gooned on me while we hanged out....

so yep. i might come back there since i claimed my url name (milica) before anyone did and only because of that, i don't wanna be associated with those people anymore!!! (even though i'm still in the same town as those irl friends i isolated from...... i look foward heavily to move out)

and now that you know my silly little miserable story, have fun reading my essays, i would be glad to hear your opinions too :) ^_^